Why It’s Not My Job to Change You: An Empowering Approach to Therapy and Coaching
Last week, a client I’ve been working with for just over two months told me:
“I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I always wanted to be.”
Just two months earlier, this same client came to me with symptoms of chronic stress and some PTSD symptoms. They wanted to practice somatic exercises to reduce reactivity, release tension in their body, and enhance mental clarity.
Through consistent practice outside of session—three times per week—they’re now experiencing real transformation. Their nervous system is regulating, their mind is clearer, and their confidence is growing.
But here’s the truth: I did not change their life. They are changing their life.
I don’t say this to fake humility. I say this because it’s true.
Yes, I show up and give my absolute best to every single client I work with.
Yes, I am incredibly skilled at what I do and do my job very well…and… it is not my job to change someone else’s life.
The Unnecessary Pressure on Therapists and Coaches
Here’s a perspective that often surprises people when they first hear it:
It is not my job to change someone else.
In the worlds of therapy and coaching, there is enormous internal and external pressures on practitioners to take on responsibility for their clients’ transformations.
—> Internal pressure often looks like patterns of over-responsibility and over-functioning that the therapist or coach needs to heal from so that they can show up authentically and fully as a therapist or coach (hi, this was me!).
—> External pressure often looks like a covert message from society and other people that says something like, “You are responsible for changing my life.”
Those patterns and that mindset does the opposite of what we want. It disempowers clients, suggesting they aren’t capable of handling their lives—when the truth is, they absolutely are.
Why Change Belongs to the Client
After 12 years of working with sensitive, ambitious, and high-performing individuals, I’ve learned one thing for certain:
It is each client’s job to claim their power and recognize themselves as the creator of their life.
My role isn’t to swoop in and do it for them—it’s to remind them of their strength, reflect their inner wisdom back to them, and support them to step into their own agency.
Why This Matters if You’re Looking for a Therapist or Coach
If you’re searching for therapy or coaching, it can sometimes feel easy to fall into the belief that someone else will have all the answers.
But the most powerful shifts happen when you both see yourself as the driver of your own growth and are open and receptive to what the therapist or coach has to teach you.
The right therapist or coach will support, challenge, understand, guide, and offer tools that help you create the changes you’re seeking to make. When you work with someone who honors your autonomy and trusts in your capacity to change, that’s when sustainable transformation can happen.
What My Role Really Is
If it’s not my job to change someone’s life, then what is my role?
To be deeply present. Listening to words, tone, body language, and unspoken belief systems keeping the client stuck in the patterns they’re seeking to break free from.
To reflect back with honesty. Demonstrating reflective listening and offering direct feedback rooted in compassion, clarity, and—when appropriate—tough love.
To provide tools and practices. Sharing simple, evidence-based techniques (that work!) that clients can take into their lives to create meaningful, lasting change.
To walk my talk. To embody that which the client is seeking to break free from. To actively be working on my own personal growth, evolution, healing, and development.
This is where transformation really happens—not because I “change” someone, but because I embody an energy and create a space where a client can feel supported, resourced, and empowered to make changes themselves.
Client Empowerment in Therapy and Coaching
An empowering approach to therapy and coaching is paramount. This is a through-line of the work that I do with all of my clients: supporting them to reclaim their power, agency, autonomy, and self trust—their own felt sense of, “I’ve got me no matter what.”
Your life is yours to live — and your power is yours to claim.
Invitation to Work Together
👉 If you’re a sensitive, ambitious, high-performing individual seeking next-level growth, I’d love to support you:
For therapy in Connecticut or New York, schedule a consultation here.
For private coaching worldwide, book a coaching consultation here.
With care,
Heather
