How to Talk About Your Feelings — Even When You’re Hurt or Shut Down
Let me set the scene for you: Something just happened between you and a close friend, family member, or mentor. You’re feeling hurt. You go quiet, suppress your true feelings, and withdraw. You try to brush it off, but anxiety ignites in your chest. You might feel a little queasy or nauseous in your stomach. Your thoughts race. You pull back for a few hours… or a few days. You replay the moment again and again in your mind, maybe even losing sleep as you try to make sense of what happened.
This pattern — feeling hurt → withdrawing → ruminating — is one that many sensitive, self-aware people know well. It’s not that you don’t want to talk about what happened; it’s that you don’t feel safe or clear enough yet to put your feelings into words.
The good news? You can learn how to move through these difficult relational moments with more clarity and confidence. In my work as a therapist and coach, I help clients develop a simple go-to system for shifting from shutdown to self-expression. The extra good news? It’s a practice you can begin today.
Step 1: Vent Without Filtering
Being able to freely express yourself is a key piece of your soul’s growth. Ruminating — thinking about what happened and how you feel over and over again — keeps what happened trapped in your head. You need a space to let everything out privately and without judgment.
How to practice:
Set a timer for 15–20 minutes.
Grab a notebook or blank paper (writing by hand is key!).
Write down everything you’re thinking and feeling — expletives, mean thoughts, doubts, everything. Don’t worry about grammar, punctuation, or logic. Just let the raw emotion flow.
Think of this as emotional decluttering that’s also evidence-backed. Research by James Pennebaker, a leading expressive writing researcher, found that journaling about emotionally intense experiences for 15–20 minutes per day over 3–4 consecutive days led to:
Improved immune function
Reduced rumination
Better sleep
Reduced anxiety and depressive symptoms
Lower blood pressure
Increased working memory capacity
Reflective writing helps your brain and body move out of the activated stress response and into a calmer, more clear-headed state. When you’re done, rip up the paper and throw it away — a symbolic release.
Step 2: Name What You Feel
Once you’ve aired out your raw thoughts and feelings, it’s time to identify and name what you’re truly feeling.
This step is simple but powerful: Write each feeling in its own sentence starting with “I feel…”
Examples:
“I feel hurt.”
“I feel confused.”
“I feel betrayed.”
“I feel frustrated.”
“I feel lonely.”
Why you write “I feel” instead of “I am:” Your brain links “I am…” to identity, making feelings feel permanent. “I feel…” frames your emotions as temporary, which supports self-regulation.
Sometimes, naming a feeling like hurt or sadness brings tears. That’s okay — it means you’re touching on what’s true for you in the moment, and your body is releasing tension it has been holding.
If a feeling is particularly strong, place both hands over your heart and let yourself feel. This self-soothing touch can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system — your body’s “rest and digest” mode. This study showed that self-soothing touch can reduce cortisol levels.
Step 3: Decode What Your Feelings Mean
Feelings are feedback. They can point toward your values, needs, and boundaries. Decoding them gives you insight for honest communication.
Try this for decoding the following feelings:
Confusion/Frustration: You need clarity or more information.
Hurt: A core value may not have been honored or met in a relationship.
Anger: Something isn’t okay; a boundary may have been crossed; or a lie may be present (to yourself, someone else, or both).
By uncovering the deeper meaning behind your feelings, you’re preparing to communicate from a more mature and clear head space, instead of a reactive one.
Step 4: Speak From Clarity
Once you’ve vented, named, and decoded, you’re ready to communicate with the person. This might feel uncomfortable, awkward, or wobbly. That’s okay. Perfection isn’t the goal here, honesty and transparency is.
Here is how you could begin to have the conversation:
“Something you said the other day has been sitting with me. I realized I’ve been feeling hurt and confused, and I’d love to talk about it with you so we can clear the air together. Is that okay with you?”
Notice the difference between this approach and reacting impulsively or silently withdrawing. While you can’t control the other person’s response, you can show up with integrity, self-respect, and clarity.
The Somatic Wisdom Behind This Practice
These four steps help your nervous system move from reactivity to regulation:
Venting: Releases emotional energy and prevents it from being trapped.
Naming: Brings clarity and validation to your inner experience.
Decoding: Reveals your needs, values, and boundaries for honest communication.
Speaking: Challenges avoidance patterns and fosters intimacy and connection.
Every step helps you to feel more confident with expressing yourself.
A Final Reflection
Learning to talk about your feelings — especially when you’re feeling hurt or shut down — takes great courage. You’re rewiring years (sometimes generations!) of patterns that taught you to stay silent.
Every time you pause, write, name, decode, and speak, you’re showing your body that honest self-expression is safe, and that real connection and intimacy is possible because of it.
If This Speaks to You…
This is the exact kind of inner work I guide my clients through — learning to communicate with clarity and compassion while staying connected to their own sense of authenticity.
If you’re ready to stop overthinking, stop avoiding, and start feeling grounded and confident in your relationships, I’d love to support you.
👉 For therapy in Connecticut or New York, schedule a consultation here.
👉 For private coaching worldwide, book a coaching consultation here.
