figuring out this thing called confidence
For the past two years, I have been immersed in Saturn Return stuff ... you know, figuring out who I am.
Who. Am. I.
Where do I come from? Where do my ancestors come from?
How in Mother-Father God's name am I here to serve?
How does the healing work I am destined to share with the world intersect with social change and the eradication of the toxic systems of oppression I am contributing to and embedded in?
How am I losing myself inside of other people's identities?
How am I losing myself inside of other people's purposes?
Which company do I desire to keep?
Which company am I keeping because being abused feels so damn natural to me?
Whew. That last one was hard to write. But it's the truth. It's all the truth.
For the past six months, I've also been sitting with the question, "What is confidence?"
For the better part of this past year, I have felt as though I didn't really know what confidence was - and any of it that may have been left, I felt I had lost. I have felt so deeply insecure; so doubt-filled. My nervous system continues to become more and more sensitive. My attunement to the subtleties of realms beyond this physical one is becoming sharper. I'm rapidly shifting at a physically and spiritually cellular level and it can be so jarring and disorienting.
I have also felt fleeting moments of a sense of knowing who I am. I have felt so deeply sure of who I am, the company I desire to keep, and how I am here to serve.
One of my spiritual elders, Fr. Richard Rohr, teaches and reminds me that life is an experience of finding one's self and losing one's self over and over again. We find, we lose. We find, we lose. This feels so true. I feel it's the essence of our path as a spiritual beings and human beings living this very strange existence. It is both about remembering who we are, letting it in, letting it rip us open and expand + enrich us ... and it's about forgetting who we are and feeling the great despair that can accompany the forgetting.
What I am learning is that confidence is no different. Confidence is a (fleeting) experience of self-security and self-sovereignty that I feel when I truly remember who I am.
Raimon Panikkar said, "I am one with the Source insofar as I act as a source - by making everything I have received flow again."
When I remember that I am a source of Love - a source of the holiest and most sacred Love that flows from God through me - and I act as that source of Love both for myself and for every being, I can know the experience of confidence.
...and...I don't know.
I don't really, truly, fully yet know what unshakable confidence feels like. But I do know that I have beautiful fleeting moments of what it may be. And I know that when I feel confident, I am far less self-absorbed, self-obsessed, insecure, and neurotic.
I know that when I withhold Love from myself, I forget the Love that I am.
I know that when I withhold Love from others, I forget the Love that they are.
If we are unwilling to practice really being with ourselves;
if we are unwilling to practice deeply listening to ourselves;
if we are unwilling to practice holding space for ourselves
to be exactly who we are (the light and the shadow);
...we cannot truly be with others and we cannot be in service to the collective.
Instead, we will project our discomfort with our discomfort onto other people. We will try to get them out of that discomfort rather than holding space for them in the way that they need us to.
So, we must first get right with ourselves. We must first remember that we are a Source - a beautiful, incredible, worthy Source - who is so deserving of God's loving assistance, the angels' guiding hand, and other celestial support to help us understand who we are and express that without apology for who we are. From here, confidence comes and we can get on with doing our part to create a world in which everyone is free to be who they are too.
With love + growing confidence,
P.S. - What does self-confidence mean to you? I would love to know!