...losing myself in unspoken allegiances.

Hi love,

There is something so precious, cozy, and confronting about being in the woods. I feel held and encapsulated by the parallel rows of trees; and I also feel completely raw and exposed. Because Nature, as I sink into it, tends to beckon me to uproot what is true.

The roots, tethered to its floor, send a rush of grounded, electric peace through my body.

The water, flowing intensely downstream, asks me to ride the current of the moment.

The wind, subtly brushing against my cheek, asks me to soften and tenderize my body.

The ground, solid beneath my feet, presses up into me and says, "You don't need to try so hard, my love. Just relax into me."

And so, I do.

I relax into Mother-Father Nature. I let Nature hold me. I let Nature tell me that I am held in integrity. I let Nature show me how to play. And I let Nature challenge me with truth.

In my recovery from codependency, I have peeled back layer after layer after layer of how I have given myself away emotionally; how I have let myself get caught in the trap of emotionally taking care of other people by attempting to take on their emotional experiences.

Yesterday, I practiced Angelic Breath Healing with Mary Magdalene. It was facilitated with my mentor Madeline Giles (if you don't know this woman - get on it). In that session, Madeline spoke about "false allegiances." The words hit me square in the heart.


I know those well.

You do too, eh?

My experience of codependency has been one big unspoken allegiance that says, "I pledge to take care of all of your emotional needs at the expense of my own."

And today, as I walked in Nature, I accessed a deeper layer than even that.

(I know - I didn't know there was anything deeper than that either! ;)

Not only does the codependent part of me try to take care of others' emotional needs at the expense of my own but she also - quite literally - alters herself to fit into someone else's reality. This is an unspoken allegiance in which I lose myself. And that's why I can feel so lost, disoriented, and confused - because I neglected myself yet again in the attempt to save another. And that leaves me unable to discern what is true for me. 

Now, as I write this for us, I feel this layer dripping off of me like smooth maple syrup.

Because I'm fucking ALL SET with it. 

When I say "all set," I don't mean that ready to throw the codependent part of me out, though. I don't intuit that's my answer. I am ready, however, to integrate her. 

This codependent part of me...

She is part of the reason as to why I am gifted at counseling (more on that below). She is part of the reason as to why I am skilled at attuning to what people are actually feeling. She is part of the reason as to why my voice is healing. This part of me has taught me to feel to the depths .That requires resilience and courage. Both of which I am so deeply proud to embody.

So, operation integration is underway.

"For healing has no ceiling, despite what you may be feeling.
Chances are you'll feel it again.
Another layer.
Another story.
Another pattern.
Another glory-stricken layer that makes you, you.
It's all a deeply sacred part that makes you, you."
from my song Vessel, you are (get it here)

So, I pass the pen over to you, my love. If this resonates with you and stirs something within you, perhaps you can begin with these questions for self-inquiry: What unspoken allegiances have you made with other humans / situations / relationships? How have you lost yourself in the process? What are you ready to reclaim? What are you ready to shed?

And to close us out, a prayer:

May you root down
into your resiliency.
May you let the Earth hold you
as you do.
May you expand your capacity
to feel this to its depths
without losing yourself in the process.
May you let your angels
and sacred companions
remind you of who you are
as you do. 

With love,

Heather Waxman